Mental Health

What it feels like to live with depression and suicidal thoughts.

People who don’t live with depression and suicidal thoughts have no idea what it feels like to feel worthless and that the world would be better off without you.

  Today’s post is my first proper post about mental health. For the beginning I want people to understand what it feels like to be this way because only sufferers know what it’s really like.   Depression is not just a word for feeling sad a lot. Depression is an illness. Yes you may not be able to see this illness like you can see other “ more important “ illnesses as you would believe. DEPRESSION IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS OTHER ILLNESSES. Close to 800,000 people die from suicide each year!  

800,000 people who felt they had no other choice than to end their lives.

This act is not selfish, it’s far from it, these people believed the people who love and care for them would be better off without them. How do I know this? I suffer from depression so I know exactly how that feels.  

I have written a piece to describe what the worst days of depression are like and I hope this opens your eyes what it can be like for some people each and everyday.

  Her body is her canvas that showcases her pain. With the single cut of the blade, she can release the suffocating, crushing weight sitting on her chest… momentarily. Her relief is short lived as the pain of life and her past sufferings come crashing back just like a devastating earthquake, destroying the walls she built up so high to make sure it was all blocked out.

Today is a bad day

Throwing her back into the darkness she was fighting so hard to get of to act a little bit normal for the day. The light slowly becoming even harder to distinguish from the darkness enveloping her as the demons she have been hiding from ambush her, behind the smile she is holding, on her face. Today is a bad day and she knows no matter how much she tries to fight feeling this way the darkness will win each and every time. Her bad days are almost impossible to keep a smile on her face so no one can see the torment and pain in her eyes.   No one knows what it’s like to be drowning in your mental illness.   There is no water just her thoughts telling you to do something to hurt herself.Choking up with tears brimming along her lash line ready to flow down her cheeks and mix with the crimson blood, snaking down her arm as the sharp blooded blade silences the demons.  

She learns to become numb

  She swallows hard and lets the tears disappear hoping the burning in her chest dissipates along with the demons for a little while. Just so she can breathe a little easier. She wishes she didn’t feel this way. Taking one day at a time is one, long, hard battle. She learns to become numb, ignore her problems, shut people off, not let people in, putting a smile on her face. She’s “fine”.   Behind every “ I’m okay “ there’s always a little pain, a little suffering and it’s almost always a lie.  She doesn’t want to burden anyone with her horrible past and difficulties. The guilt becomes overwhelming because  she feels she is putting the weight of her world onto someone else’s shoulders.   That’s how it feels to have depression. Somedays are better than others but they don’t have to be as bad as it was in the piece I wrote. If you feel like this I strongly advise that you go to your doctor and discuss these feelings to get counselling and possibly some medication. I take medication and it has helped me a lot. It takes the edge off the intense feelings that you read up above or that you feel yourself.    

I also suggest that you talk to someone you trust or begin counselling.

Talking helps! I learned this the hard way. I never used to talk to anyone until I met my boyfriend and he begun breaking down my walls and getting me to open up to him. Now three years later he is the one person I talk to when I feel bad and down. He always finds a way to make me laugh or smile when I don’t feel like it. Find your person. It works.  

A huge thank you for reading this post.

  I know it’s different from how I normally write for my travel posts. I hope this has helped and helped people understand a little more about what depression and being suicidal feels like. If you enjoy this post please comment below and let me know so I can continue to write these sort of blogs. I have written another post tagged by the lovely Jay at BeardedIgor to write a letter to my brain that discusses my depression a little bit so check it out here    

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4 thoughts on “What it feels like to live with depression and suicidal thoughts.

  1. Thank you for sharing your pain. My mother suffers from mental illness. It has been a long 25 years for her and for her daughters. I’m trying to see things through her eyes. Thank you again.

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