This time last year I was in a completely different world than the one I am living in today. Living with my depression and anxiety was hell for me. Many of you have read my mental health story and my story of abuse. 2017 and 2018 has been two crazy years for me and I can’t believe that I am sitting here writing a post for my blog, texting my boyfriend, the love of my life and I am finally seeing a huge light at the end of the tunnel, that was long and dark for a very long time.
My depression and anxiety were at an all-time low
After a crazy year-long court battle against my abusive father that concluded on December 18th, my depression and anxiety were at an all-time low. Although we won, I felt sad, low, depressed and I could not understand why the judge treated me the way he did.
My head was all over the place, I wasn’t in the best mindset. I was unable to get out of bed in the mornings, much less go to school and focus on my exams that were looming like a huge dark cloud over me.
Every day I tried to go to school, my chest tightened, I felt physically sick, I was unable to breathe and my mind would be going crazy! Being stuck in such a dark place is absolutely terrifying, I was lost, unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was hurting the people I loved and I couldn’t help it. I made a lot of mistakes during this time that I will regret it for as long as I live.
I was visiting a counsellor
This time last year, every single week I was visiting a counsellor. It got so bad that it was sometimes more than once a week. Counselling helped me a lot. I had a counsellor who truly understood abuse and what I had been through.
I always feared to talk to someone about my problems because I would look weak and vulnerable and those people would use my vulnerability against me but with my counsellor, she changed my opinion of that. She was there to help me and had no ulterior motive.
Each and every time I walked into her room I felt safe. I knew that I would feel so much better after our hour-long session. I could cry without feeling judged, speak without worrying that my words come back to bite me in the ass. I was safe and I was recovering.
I was in a constant state of fear
This time last year while living with my depression and anxiety was exhausting. We had just won our court battle and my father lived so close to us. He began to gaslight us. Meaning he followed us around town, would be waiting outside the shops that we were in. It was all scare tactics to make us go running to the police and make “accusations “ against him.
Throughout the whole gaslighting phase we learned that ignoring him was the best option and as we did that people began seeing what he was doing and made sure that they reported it to the police. Although he technically wasn’t doing anything to us he was still trying to stay in control of us by making us feel fear.
Although I was absolutely petrified I never showed him that I was. I am stronger than him and I always will be. The minute be left this house and I began to speak about the abuse I went through, his control over me disappeared and I was stronger than ever.
There are so many differences between now and last year.
Above are only a few examples of how my life has done a complete 180. This post is to show you that even living with depression and anxiety you will find happiness. Good things will come to you, it may take a little time but you will get there.
I promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and all you need to do is to keep your head up high.
You will get through this. Look how strong you are, surviving all the shit life has thrown at you already. You can do this. Your time will come and you will look back at everything that happened and come to terms with it. I hope this post will reach someone who truly needs it so please feel free to share.